i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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