I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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