my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
