and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
