Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
