You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My ass is underappreciated
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
