I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
