We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Randomize
