thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
