FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
