Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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