every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we're making bets on your personal life
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
