I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
