Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
