at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
