There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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