I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
