Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
