Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
