Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
