Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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