He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
