I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
