After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
