U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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