oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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