Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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