I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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