i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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