You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
