I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
