i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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