I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
