She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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