Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
