fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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