I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
