i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
