Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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