that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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