The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
