Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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