His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
