I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
