We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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