just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
