batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
