The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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