i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Floor bacon is actually really good
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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