listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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