Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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