do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
