can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
