Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
