I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
