After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
