I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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