There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
