I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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