then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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