Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize