Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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